by Devi
One-half of all women and one-fourth of all men in the United States have experienced childhood molestation, rape and/or spousal abuse. Therefore on average, one-in-three people in the U.S. is a victim of sexual abuse at some point in their life. There is no other modern day illness that effects as many people either directly or very intimately in the form of a spouse, son, daughter or friend who has been abused.
Even if you avoid being part of the one-in-three statistic, chances are you have experienced some form of childhood trauma (abandonment by a parent, etc.) or some form of impactful love woundings in adulthood. The intent here is not to paint a dismal picture of the state of our lives. When we realize how pervasive the woundings of love and sexuality are, we can start to have a grasp on the extent to which healing needs to occur.
Can we really heal our wounds in love relationship?
Assuming there is an openness on the part of each partner, a love relationship
can be a perfect venue to heal wounds of the past. As partners, you will
need to learn to provide "safe space" for each other to feel comfortable to reveal the most vulnerable parts of yourselves. A safe space is a place where you can communicate and express emotion while being able to trust that your partner will show love, nurture and compassion without the fear of being judged or retaliated against.
When core wounding is being expressed, it is generally not coming from that part of ourselves that is rational, sensible and balanced. These wounds may present in the voice of a frightened child or an angry teenager. What is key in holding safe space for your beloved, is to not try to "fix it",
make sense of it or even try to talk them through it.
In many cases, simply having your partner hear your deepest fear, shame, guilt, etc. without reaction or withdrawel of their love, can be a key step toward healing. Some core wounds will require the assistance of an experienced professional, so it important to seek professional help when it feels needed to support your process.
The Blockages to Healing in a Love Relationship
Most of us are not used to facilitating healing for our partner or having our
partner do this for us. Often times, our core woundings from the past are
showing up in the form of arguements, misunderstanding and communication
barriers in our present love relationship. Because of this, as we start to
release these wounds in "safe space," it can trigger upset in our partner about issues from our present relationship. What is key when providing safe space for your partner's healing, is to not get drawn into the current upsets (or your own core wounds) and just allow your partner to feel and express without having those expressions get "stuck" to
you.
When a couple begins to open their relationship to
healing, it can be like opening the flood gates to wounds that need expression.
While one person in the relationship may have experience more "severe" wounding,
it is important that each partner be given a chance to have safe space held
for them so that both people feel loved, held and validated. In general,
it would be advisable to decide ahead of time who will be holding safe space
and who will be held. After holding space for one of you, give a day or two
for the healing to settle in before holding safe space for the other person
so, as the holder, you can be grounded in a more loving, balanced place within
yourself.
The Keys to Creating a Healing Environment
Cultivate Unconditional Love. When a partner is about to share some of the scariest, seemingly ugliest parts of him/herself, it is key for him/her to know that you will still love him/her, no matter what is expressed during healing. Actually, when we practice unconditional love for our partner during healing, we often discover a deeper love and compassion within us that feeds the relationship.
Focus on the "Highest Good". An invaluable
practice for each of you while engaging in healing, both as giver and receiver,
is to center your energy, expression and mental space in creating the most
loving possible outcome -- the most loving to yourself, loving to your partner,
loving to your children, etc. Often we get caught in the rut of "being right" and
being right implies that your partner is wrong. Leave open the possibility
that both of you can be winners.
Give Each Other Space to Heal. While we can
hold loving space for each other's healing process, it is ultimately up to
each of us to do our own inner healing work. Sometimes that requires a little
time for self reflection and some space to continue moving through the emotions
that have surfaced. While it may feel threatening for your partner who is
healing to want to have some personal space, consider it a natural part of
the healing process and not about wanting to be away from you.
Use "I" Language. When your partner is holding
safe space for you to heal, it is important to avoid turning it into an opportunity
to use your partner as a punching bag. One way to avoid this is to state
your experience in terms of "I feel sad when this happens," instead of saying "You make me sad by doing. . ." If
you are actively blaming your partner for things, you are missing the opportunity
to look inside of yourself and do your own healing, which can be very liberating.
Stop Trying to Change Your Partner. Avoid
trying to manage your partner's healing process by interjecting topics that
you think your partner needs to do healing on. Sometimes one partner (usually
a woman) has a much easier time communicating and expressing emotions. When
holding space, do so without agenda or expectations. Over time, as the more
reluctant partner feels safer to just be him/herself and go at his/her own
pace, emotional expression can start to occur. Keep in mind that some of
us have grown up in families where expression of emotions was off limits,
so please be loving and patient.
by Devi
When you hear the term "multi-orgasmic" it may conjure
erotic images of uniquely skilled lovers practicing acrobatic sexual postures
as seen in some images of the Kama Sutra1. If you have done research into
Tantra or Taoist Sacred Sexuality, you may have the idea that multi-orgasmic
lovemaking is possible, but requires years of practice and study in the arts
of esoteric sexuality.
What is Multi-Orgasmic?
Certainly the term "multi-orgasmic" sounds pretty enticing to anyone who enjoys feeling pleasure, but what does it mean to be "multi-orgasmic?" Most
people in the western world understand orgasm as a climactic, genital-centered
physical thrill that accompanies genital arousal. Through self-pleasuring, genital
stimulation with a partner and/or sexual intercourse, one reaches, if all conditions
are favorable, a crescendo of pleasure that is, in fact, a genital orgasm.
When we want to discover the secrets behind having multiple orgasms, we need to let go of our concept of a genital orgasm as we know it. By doing this, we can allow ourselves to be open to the more profound, more expansive pleasure of being multi-orgasmic. Letting go of our normal expectations of orgasm does not mean that the genitals stop experiencing intense pleasure -- it just feels different.
Being multi-orgasmic involves allowing yourself to move orgasmic pleasure throughout your entire body (not just the sex organs). It involves learning to ride and enjoy multiple crescendos throughout your body instead of blowing all of your energy out your genitals in one fell swoop. This is accomplished by engaging special breathing techniques, developing a sense of presence and strengthening the energy body.
A Genital Orgasm vs. Being Multi-Orgasms
Most of the time when we are moving toward orgasm, we are touching our own body
in certain ways, having our partner touch us in certain ways and fantasizing
certain things the push us "over our edge" into orgasm. Its as if we jump on
the train headed for the town of Orgasm. We know the sign posts we will pass
on the way and we know what the train station and the surrounding landscapes
in Orgasm will look like once we arrive. Perhaps the level of intensity and duration
of a genital orgasm will vary, but in general, the physiological events are the
same.
When seeking to become multi-orgasmic, the emphasis
shifts from getting somewhere or "getting off" toward getting connected -- connected to our own body, our partner, our breath and our energy. Multiple orgasms happen when we "get into" our
body. In other words, making love becomes more like embarking a train to
an unknown destination with your lover to relish in the beauty of your journey
together.
The Power of Sexual Energy
A lot of the momentum behind an orgasm is the movement of our sexual energy.
While our understand of "energy" is somewhat limited in the Western world, the Chinese medical practice of Acupuncture specifically addresses the intricate flow of energy or "chi" in
the human body.
Our sexual energy, or Shakti2, is an infinite well of sexuality and creativity that resides in our sexual center (genital region) or Second Chakra3. When the Shakti is trapped in the sexual center during orgasm, the orgasmic experience is limited to the genital region and the amount of sexual energy that can be accessed is also limited. However, when we learn to move the Shakti through the body, the well of sexual energy in the sexual center will continue to recharge indefinitely, allowing enormous amounts of energy to permeate the entire body.
The Differences for Men and Women
Because of the differences in the way sexual energy moves through men's and women's bodies, it is valuable to discuss what becoming multi-orgasmic might look and feel like for each sex.
A multi-orgasmic man directs the energy that he would normally focus in the penis to other regions of the body. It is very helpful for a man who wants to become multi-orgasmic to learn the practice of non-ejaculatory orgasm. At first this takes a good deal of concentration, coordination with the breath and periods of rest in genital stimulation. What begins as tingling feelings in the fingertips and toes, over time, will turn into an incredible rush of energy throughout the body. Men who practice moving their Shakti energy during lovemaking discover, not only more intense, expansive pleasure and satisfaction with their sex lives, but also increased vitality and better performance.
For a woman, being multi-orgasmic is akin to the physical surrender she would normally allow herself to fall into in order to experience a normal orgasm. The multiple waves of bliss, for her, come when she lets go of expectation of climaxing and sinks into her heart, her body and her emotional connection to her beloved.
As each partner learns to become multi-orgasmic, the wave of orgasmic pleasure moving through one body can trigger a wave in the other, and on, and on, in a sacred dance of bliss.
Our sexuality is such a profound and beautiful gift that we are blessed to be able to share with someone we love. When we can let go of the expectations, performance and other noise preventing us from being present during sex, we experience the richness of each breath, the unique quality of each touch, the depth of our lover's eyes, and our gratitude for being alive.
Glossary of Terms
1 Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian text widely considered to be the standard work on love in Sanskrit literature. It is said to be authored by Mallanaga Vatsyayana. A portion of the work deals with human sexual behavior.
2 Shakti from the ancient East Indian language of Sanskrit and yogic principles,
a "corporeal energy"; an unconscious, instinctive or libidinal force.
3 The Second Chakra is the energy center at the genital region which relates to procreation, family, fantasy. Fantasy enters as the person begins interrelating with family and friends. The inspiration to create begins in the second chakra.
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Devi's online advice column, offering answers to your questions about love & sexuality.
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